January 27th, 2016 ~ Day 308
I don’t want to be here! I don’t want to go hiking! I never thought I’d say that, but with my mom passing away yesterday all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I’m only out here because I set myself up on this challenge and I’m following through with it. My body and mind are numb. I feel so lost. There is so much to do and being out here on a hike isn’t one of the things I want to do.
So often I’ve used hiking for healing. Being outdoors is a good feeling and has helped me many times to deal with so many things. It’s my serenity. Today it isn’t working. I feel no peace.
After my grandma died last month, my best friend Robin dying in June and Jimmy dying a little over a year ago hiking helped with the pain, but this pain, the loss of my mother, is so unbearable. I don’t want to feel this way. I always thought there would be more time.
My mother was a fighter. The poor woman, since she was born, has fought many medical battles in her life and she always came out the other side. She wasn’t sick but she was in pain. I don’t know if she gave up the fight or if God just decided to call her home, I only know she is gone and my life will be forever changed.
I’m angry with myself for setting myself up on this goal to hike everyday. Today it feels like a chore and I don’t want to be here, but I am.
My mom always said she wished she could go hiking with me. Her body wasn’t capable to come out here and hike. My only thought to that is maybe she can now join me and see all the beauty I get the opportunity to see. A little comfort to this pain.
Today made our world even darker with sadness. As we had to say our goodbyes to our sweet little Toby! One of my mom’s seven dogs died the day after mom did. The one my daughter claimed as hers. He was going to come live with us and thought of giving my daughter this news breaks my heart even more. Toby was an old dog. A sweet little guy. His tongue always hanging out. Maybe he died of a broken heart at the loss of my mom. Who knows. All these questions we have as to why these things have to happen to us, we will never know. If it matters when we go, God will provide the answers.
I have had enough heartache the last couple days to last me a lifetime. I pray God helps our family walk through this pain.